Lynn Raye Harris

I meant to post this yesterday, but it turned into such a crazy day of errands and etc, that I never got the post written. So, RWA peeps, last post (I think) before we all converge on Orlando next week.

If you’ve been to a huge banquet before, you might know everything you need about table settings. But just in case, I’m gonna tell you all about what the etiquette expert who visited my RWA chapter last month said.

The banquet tables at the luncheons and dinner will likely be big and round. They will be crammed with dishes, glasses, and silverware. Which glass is yours? Which bread plate? It seems logical, and yet you sit down and that bread plate could be yours — or it could be your neighbor’s because the settings are so close.

Relax, I’m about to give you the secret: the glass is to your right. Everything else is to your left. I repeat, all extra dishes are to your left (clearly, your plate is in front of you). The glass is the only thing on the right that belongs to you (of course the silverware on the right of the plate is yours; I’m talking about big things that might be confusing). Easy, right? If you remember that place settings are designed for right-handed people, you’ll see it makes sense. (If you’re left handed, it’s not fair, but this is the way it’s done. Majority rule.)

What other things did the etiquette expert say? So much I can’t remember it all, but here are a few tidbits.

1. Work from the outside in on your silverware. It’s permissible to keep your knife if you only have one and you’ve used it to cut salad before the main course arrives.
2. You will be served from the left. The servers will clean up from the right, so make sure you have your knife and fork on the right, angled across the plate to indicate you are done. Don’t put the fork on one side and the knife on the other. Don’t prop the knife across the top of the plate. Angle them both across the middle, like they are the hands of a clock pointing at 4. It’s easier for the servers.
3. Don’t put your napkin on your lap until everyone is seated. You may be standing up and sitting a few times before everyone sits. Oh, and men should stand whenever a woman arrives at the table. Women don’t have to.
4. Don’t eat until everyone at your table is served. (Hey, I’m just reporting it!)
5. Do not leave your spoon in the soup bowl or cup. Lay it across the top.
6. Break your bread and butter the piece you are eating. Don’t slice it and put a slab of butter in the middle. (Seriously, I’m just reporting it! If you aren’t concerned about the Junior League or the Debutante Ball, do it your way if you must.)
7. If you must get up during the meal and you plan to come back, place your napkin on your chair. If you are all done and leaving, put the napkin on the table.
8. If someone asks you to pass the salt or pepper, pass them as a set because someone on the other side of the table might want them both. Likewise, if the packets of sweetener are closest to you, take what you need and pass them.
9. Don’t talk with your mouth full (who doesn’t know that one?).
10. There are two styles of eating which are permissible. American and Continental, or European. American style is fork in right hand, switch to left hand to cut meat, switch back after cutting. Continental is fork in left hand and knife in right. Stays this way through the whole meal. The knife is used to push food onto the fork. (I eat this way; learned it in Europe and it makes more sense to me. Both, however, are acceptable.) Do not grip knife or fork with your hand over the top of the handle. This is rude. And, well, more appropriate for a caveman. (Sorry Geico Cavemen!)

That’s most of what I remember. It all makes sense, I think, though I probably wouldn’t have thought to pass both the salt and pepper if someone only asked for one. Oh, and pick them up by the sides, not the top — no one wants your germs.

Finally, the thing the etiquette expert said was the most important? Graciousness. You can get away with a lot if you are gracious.

So that’s it. I’ll see you next week!

Next week, around two thousand people (mostly women) will be converging on Orlando for the RWA National Conference. For many of us, this is a been there, done that a hundred times adventure. For quite a few, it’s the first time. Whether it’s your first time or your tenth, you may be thinking about how you’re going to interact with all these people. Many writers are introverts, and introverts tend to be drained by the thought of so many people in one place. I’m one of those introverts, but I’m lucky enough to be able to put on an extrovert face for a few days.

Still, it’s not my true nature, and I sometimes get overloaded. So here are my tips for mingling as an introvert.

Talk to people. Seriously. (If you’re a first timer, get the orange First Timer ribbon and wear it proudly. People will help you.) You are a writer at a writers’ conference. The one thing you have in common with everyone is writing. So asking someone what they write is a good conversation starter. At my very first conference (Dallas 2007), I went to the Kiss of Death AGM. I knew no one. I even went into the room too early because I didn’t know I was supposed to wait outside. No one told me to get out. Instead, Connie Cox took me under her wing and asked me to sit at her table. I had a good time talking to everyone at the table that night. I don’t remember everyone’s name, unfortunately, but they were wonderful to this newbie. A couple of nights later, at the Death by Chocolate party, I met a woman from Nashville who I hung out with at a few other events after that (I wish I could remember her name! I gave her my card, but I don’t believe she had one). I also met Debbie Giusti and Juliet Burns, who were so gracious to me.

Smile. Smiling transforms you from a nervous, lost wanderer into someone interesting and approachable. A smile is friendly. A smile makes you seem confident. Don’t force a smile on your face. Think of something that makes you happy — your kids, your pets, a joke — and smile naturally.

Don’t be afraid to be alone. Seems counter-intuitive, but it’s not. In Dallas, I sat down at a table to myself in the coffee shop in the lobby and called my husband. Then I sat there with my drink and just watched people. At the table next to me was a woman I was sure I recognized, but I was too shy to ask. But she recognized me too, because she finally asked if I was Lynn Raye Harris. It was Nalini Singh, back before she became NALINI SINGH (in all caps because she’s so fabulous and writes those great paranormal and urban fantasy novels). We’d “met” via our blogs and chatted quite a bit, so it was great to meet her in person. She invited me to sit with her and her friend — a woman who’d sold a historical to Avon not that long before. Her friend was the amazing Anna Campbell, whose first book hadn’t even come out yet. They were marvelous and friendly, and had those great accents.

So if you see someone you think you recognize, ask! You never know. I wasn’t brave enough to say, “Hey, are you Nalini?” Because, telling the truth here, I always think that no one knows who I am. I still think it, even though I’ve published a few books now. I see people I recognize, and who I’ve chatted with online, but I think they won’t know me so I don’t approach them.

Which leads me to this point: if you see me and you want to say hi, please do so. Tell me who you are, and don’t think I won’t know you. If we’ve chatted here on this blog, or if we’ve chatted on Twitter or Facebook, etc, all you have to do is tell me that. If you’ve read my books and emailed me about them, tell me. Don’t think that I don’t want to talk to you, or that I’m too busy (or, worse, that I’m too important — I’m not, I assure you!) Come say hi to me.

On another note about talking to people: if you see someone you know and speak to them, don’t assume if they don’t respond that they are ignoring you. Conference is so busy, so jammed up with sights and sounds and people, that it’s easy to get tunnel vision. If you speak to me and I don’t respond, I didn’t see you. Honest. I may not always have time to stop and talk for a few minutes (you should see my schedule this year!), but I will respond if I know you were talking to me.

Another aspect of mingling is to ask people about themselves. I already told you to ask what they write. But also ask where they’re from, what they do, how they like the conference, etc. Being interested in people is one of the keys to being interesting. No one wants to talk to someone who only wants to talk about herself.

And, finally, part of the art of mingling is knowing when to retreat. If you’re feeling burned out, anxious, or frustrated, go back to your room and take a break. Conference can be overwhelming, especially if this is your first time. Take the time to be alone. Take a short nap. Read (you’ll have plenty of books to read, believe me!). Write. Conference is the place to get inspired, to learn, and to dream about the future.

Hope to see you next week! I’ll be at the Literacy Signing on Wednesday, July 28, from 5:30 to 7:30 and at the Harlequin book signing on Friday, July 30, from 9:45 to 11:15. I’ll also be giving a workshop on Saturday at 3:15 with Blaze author Kira Sinclair. And of course I’ll be around the rest of the week.

I said I’d talk about the things that make my life easier at conference, and so I shall. There is no rhyme or reason to this, just a list of things I’ve found indispensable. You know to pack things like your phone charger and all that, so I won’t waste time talking about it.

No, what I mean to talk about are the things I really, really can’t travel without.

1. Hand sanitizer. Really, I can’t say it enough. I must have my bottle of sanitizer so I’m prepared at all times. Like when I shake hands with someone right before sitting down at the luncheon table. It’s not personal, but germs are evil and the sickest I’ve ever been was after the conference in San Francisco in 2008. OMG. If you shake my hand and whip out your hand sanitizer, I won’t be offended.

2. Moisturizer. The good stuff. Hotels can be havoc on the skin, what with the forced air all day. I use Clinique Night Surge Youth, or some such combination of those words. And no, I don’t typically have dry skin.

3. My mom showed me a thing I might not be able to do without. It’s Clinique All About Eyes Serum. It’s a roll on and claims to de-puff instantly. Which, trust me, you might want at conference. (Another related item is Visine, for the redness you might get when you aren’t sleeping as much as usual.)

4. My new must-have: Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer. I get the one with SPF. This stuff keeps your makeup from melting and running. It’s amazing! Whether you wear liquid makeup or mineral powder, it works wonders.

5. Redken 05 Touch Control mousse. I have limp hair. This stuff gives me body.

6. Redken Hot Sets 22. Spray this on after blow-drying moussed hair. Use hot curling iron. The curls stay and don’t fall out the way they usually do! (Though if you are one of those people with great hair that is naturally full of body, doesn’t need washed except once a week, and holds any style effortlessly, I may just have to hate you. Or your hair anyway.)

7. Elnett Satin Extra Strong Hold hairspray by L’Oreal. Never, ever stiff. Combs right out. Holds style. I believe you can only get this at Target.

8. Band-Aid Friction Block Stick. It looks like deodorant, but it’s for your feet to keep your shoes from rubbing. I carry this like I carry the hand sanitizer.

9. Courtesy of my friend Marilyn Puett, the Playground Monitor, I have discovered Miss Oops. This is a dry sponge that gets deodorant marks off the lovely black dress you just pulled over your head.

10. Gel inserts for high heels by Dr. Scholls. I get the ones with arch support.

11. Ear plugs (or cotton balls in a pinch). Because hotels sound different than home. And because your neighbors can party late into the night when you’re trying to sleep. (If they make it through your earplugs, don’t be afraid to call the front desk and complain. Provided it’s truly late, of course.)

I’m probably forgetting something, but that’s most of it. The necessities that make my life easier while traveling. With the exception of the roll-on eye de-puffer, since I’ve never used it before — though I’m about to go get a tube.

My number one tip, however, is to stay hydrated. For me, this means drinking plenty of water. Staying hydrated keeps your skin nice too. Moisturizer isn’t only a cream you rub on the outside.

What are your travel necessities?

I’m seeing lots of tips about what to pack for the RWA National Conference in Orlando. There are some good suggestions out there, and some that have me blinking and wondering why someone would suggest such a thing. So I decided to offer my suggestions on wardrobe, which is based solely on me being a prissy, girly, shoe-loving, wanna-be fashionista. I say wanna-be because I know I don’t have “Sex and the City” fashion sense. I want it desperately, but I lack the SJP teeny tiny body and the pocketbook to go with those clothes, handbag, and shoe choices.

(If you want packing and other tips, visit my friends at The Writing Playground. They’ve been talking conference all last week, and I think they’re doing so this week as well.)

Okay, so what’s a wanna-be fashionista going to wear all week? Dresses and sky-high heels, y’all. (The flip flops travel in the totebag I carry, just in case the feet can’t hack it anymore.)

Why would anybody be so crazy as to do this? Because I want to a) project a professional image, and b) when I dress up, I feel good — and this is important for an introvert who’s venturing into conference land. Oh, and c) I already wear baggy, comfy clothes all the time because I stay home and write — this is my chance to get out and dress up a bit!

Yes, I am likely to bring 5 to 8 pairs of shoes, not counting the flip-flops. Yes, I know I have to make it all fit in one bag and one carry-on because I prefer not to pay for a second bag (unless flying Southwest, at which point all bets are off!).

The way you fit 5 to 8 pairs of shoes in a suitcase is this: make the clothes less bulky. Pack underwear and Spanx (gotta have those!) in the shoes. High heels take up less room than loafers, especially if they’re strappy (or mine do anyway! Guess it depends on your shoe size). Bring microfiber. This year, I’m doing less microfiber than usual, but it all still fits. This is what I will bring:

Outfit for Tuesday night dinner with other authors
Dress for Wednesday.
Dress for Wednesday night Literacy signing.
Casual clothes for after party.
Dress for Thursday.
Dress for Thursday night event.
Dress for Friday.
Dress for Friday night event.
Dress for Saturday.
RITA/GH dress, which is bulky and which friends are sticking in their garment bag for me.
Sunday go-home wear. Casual.

I will also bring one or two extra dresses, just in case. Naturally, there’s underwear to go with all that. Jewelry goes in the carry on. Toiletries, of which I bring many, are in a zipped case that hangs on the back of the bathroom door. I zip the case and stick it inside a giant Ziploc so nothing leaks on the clothes. If I have room, I also pack a few wire hangers that I can leave behind if I want. Why? Because there are never enough hangers in hotel closets when you have 2 women in a room together.

I also bring two sweaters, one in white and one in black (I wear one on the plane), because conference hotels are notoriously cold. I do not bring workout gear. I know I won’t find the time to do it. I also don’t bring a bathing suit. I have yet to have a spare moment to hit the pool, so I just don’t bother packing one. I used to bring one, and the workout gear, and it was nothing but a joke. You may be more disciplined than I with your workouts, and you may make time for the pool, so plan accordingly.

Yes, you can bring Capri pants, slacks, microfiber tops and one pair of sensible shoes that go with everything. No one says you have to wear dresses, not even to the parties. But that’s what I like to wear, and I’ve told you why. I feel professional, pretty, and confident. Dress the way you want to be known; project the image you think of when you picture a professional writer (and your picture might be different than mine; just know what that image is and dress accordingly). Don’t be afraid to trot out some color either. I see lots of suggestions to build a wardrobe around black. It’s a good suggestion, and I’ll have my fair share of black, but I also have some colorful dresses too. Sometimes, adding colorful jewelry, scarves, or even shoes to that black outfit can really make it pop.

Ultimately, these are just my suggestions about what works for me. You may have other ideas about what makes you feel confident and professional. I dress like I’m going to a job interview — which means I’m ready for anything, including that impromptu on-camera interview I had at RT in Ohio.

(Notice there was no mention of clothes for touring the parks. That’s because I’m not. If you’re doing that, I’d definitely bring sensible shoes, some shorts or Capris, and some cotton shirts. No microfiber because it doesn’t breathe — and you’ll want the fabric to breathe in that heat, believe me.)

Later this week, I’ll talk about some of the little necessities that I find very helpful. One week to go, y’all!

For some reason, in the weeks leading up to conference, I always have conference dreams. Last night, for the third time, I dreamt that I’d gone to conference and forgotten to print out the schedule I’d made that has all my events on it. I don’t know why I keep dreaming about forgetting my schedule! But I do. In last night’s dream, I actually missed an event because of it. In a previous dream, I left the RITA/GH ceremony to go to the powder room — and couldn’t find my way back. And I really wanted to get back because they were serving dinner and I hadn’t eaten yet!

(And, unlike in most quest type dreams, I actually made it back with assistance from a hotel worker.)

In last night’s dream, I was rooming with Kimberly Lang (which I am not really doing this year) and we had both brought so many of our shoes that we had piles and piles of shoes in our room and couldn’t find our clothes.

Then I kept wanting my picture taken with famous authors and the person taking the picture always messed it up. I didn’t get one shot of me and Nora. Then there was Michael Jackson — don’t ask how or why he showed up in a conference dream. I still don’t know.

So those are my silly conference dreams — and I’m sure they aren’t over yet with only a few days left until I depart for Orlando. Do you have conference dreams? What’s the silliest thing in your dream? Can you top Michael Jackson?

Over at Tote Bags ‘n’ Blogs. Come on over and talk about settings and the ways we can research them!

This probably isn’t the business for you. Or, it’s not for you if you want to get paid for your work. I am constantly amazed by the number of people these days who will pay someone to publish their stories. And I can’t say that I wouldn’t have been tempted to do the same back when I was new and green and didn’t know better. Fortunately, I stumbled onto RWA pretty quickly in my green days — and learned that money flows to the writer.

Any company that claims they will get your book in front of Oprah, if only you purchase X package from them to publish your work, is lying. Sure, they might send the book to Oprah — but you could do the same thing. Look up the address for the Oprah show and mail your package. You aren’t any more likely to get read whether they send it or you send it. Oprah doesn’t work that way. Have you EVER seen the woman talk about a self-published book on her show?

Save your money, peeps. Work hard at your craft, know where you fit in as a writer, and target that publisher (or publishers). You will get told no. You will get told no multiple times. Don’t let this negativity send you running into the arms of a company that wants to take your money to publish your book. They have no intention of selling it for you. They want you to buy your own copies and sell them to your friends. There’s no incentive to get you into bookstores.

I have been a part of a self-published anthology, btw. It was done professionally and with a goal in mind. It met the goal and made money for the group. But the organizers knew what they were doing, and they produced a professional book for a purpose. It wasn’t designed to break any of us into publishing — and a good thing too, because that’s not what usually happens with self-published books.

You aren’t breaking in this way. I can count on one hand the number of people who self-published and then went on to sell to NY in a big way. Self-publishing is not a bad thing. But you have to know the reasons for doing it before you simply throw in the towel after the 10th or 100th rejection and decide to do things your own way. If you are writing romance novels, self-publishing is not for you. It’s expensive and it won’t get you noticed by the publishers you really want to write for.

So work hard, swallow the lumps, and keep writing and submitting. It’s the only way I know that works for sure. Instant gratification happens when eating a chocolate bar, not when trying to sell your work.