But, yesterday, I was goofing off at a point where I didn’t quite know what came next in my WIP and a headline on CNN caught my eye: Making New Friends as an Adult. Sounds interesting, right? I thought so, therefore I clicked.

Let’s just say that what came next was a head-shaker. If you want an example of how NOT to write your stories, look at this article. The writer starts off talking about cheese sticks, finally meanders to the one lunch date she had with a coworker that was perhaps a tad awkward, and back to cheese sticks.

Cheese sticks! She was trying to use them as a metaphor for something, but honest to God, the miss is a mile wide. For once, I don’t mind saying so because a) everyone in the comment trail thought the same things* and b) we write in two entirely different genres so that I’m pretty sure the writer won’t pop over here and see me using her work as an example of what not to do.

Remember when starting your stories that you’ve made a promise to your readers. You should know who your characters are and what their core problems are, and that’s what you should write about. Don’t spend the entire first chapter in setup before you get to the meat of the problem. This article that was supposed to be about making friends as an adult was more about cheese sticks and their affect on the author’s life than about making friends. It would have been okay, maybe, if the reader had thought she was getting a story about cheese sticks — but she thought she was getting a story about how to make friends.

Don’t promise your readers a story about a man and woman falling in love and then give take them a meandering side trip through the history of viticulture. If your characters own a winery, fine, use some of that information in weaving the framework for the main story. But for goodness sake, don’t spend those valuable first pages on it. The cheese stick writer wasted valuable space talking about cheese sticks instead of her core topic and lost a lot of readers as a result. Don’t do that, friends. Start with a bang and keep your story focused on the main problem. Cheese sticks are fine so long as they don’t take over and become the main topic. Or, if they are the main topic, don’t mislead readers with a story about something else entirely.

I suppose the cheese stick story would have been fine if I hadn’t expected a tale about how to make friends, but it was so far off base from what I was expecting that I was irritated with the writer for misleading me. Two-thirds of the article is about the cheese sticks. One-third is about her lunch date and how it didn’t go quite the way she was expecting. Big miss.

Do not do that in your writing! Thus ends today’s mini writing rant.

*Comment trails on articles in public forums are usually enough to get my blood pumping in all the wrong ways, but this time, I agreed with the basic sentiment, which was “Huh?”

I’ve watched a lot of this show in reruns because it happens to be on at a time of day when the Hubby and I are relaxing together once he comes home from work. I admit it took me a little bit to warm up to the show, but then I began to see the humor in it.

And I liked all the characters for who they were. They were always true to themselves, no matter how screwed up they might be. Alan messing up a relationship with a woman because she told him that Judith said Herb was the best lover she’d ever had. Charlie wanting so desperately to keep random women on the string but cutting them all loose because he truly loved Chelsea. Herb and Alan finding common ground through their relationship with Judith.

I probably haven’t seen any of the last season’s episodes, so I can’t say whether or not the show was growing stale, but I’m really irritated at what the writers did to get rid of Charlie. They weren’t true to his character, no matter how funny they tried to make it. Charlie Harper was a good guy. But they forgot they were supposed to be writing for Charlie Harper’s exit and instead wrote one for Charlie Sheen. Because Chuck Lorre was pissed at Sheen and wanted to prove he was the guy in control.

Well, yeah, he is the guy in control. But I think he’s shot himself in the foot with this one. You have to be true to the character. And he wasn’t. I’ve read the reviews, and apparently the funeral was a big joke. Alan didn’t cry? Really? The guy who cried when he got sex for the first time in ages didn’t cry when his brother died? And Jake might be nothing more than a teenager who wants to eat all the time, but he actually loved his Uncle Charlie as a kid. Would he really not feel even a shred of remorse? Or how about Charlie’s mother?

She was always portrayed as a cold bitch, but would the woman who once stood on Charlie’s balcony and told him that she was going home because he’d just said he loved her and he could only screw it up from there really only be concerned about selling his house?

I just can’t buy it, and I won’t be tuning in. If I’d been in charge, I’d have replaced Charlie Sheen with another actor. I’d have let Charlie Harper go on living and fornicating and doing all the usual stuff he did. I can like Charlie Harper without liking Charlie Sheen (who I believe is not a nice man at all). Soap operas had a knack for replacing characters. At the beginning of an episode, they would announce “Today, the part of Storm Handsome-Moneybags is being played by Joe Fabulous.” And the show would go on.

Maybe Two and a Half Men is done. Maybe it was already growing old and stale and its time was up anyway. But it’s definitely up for me. I can’t watch it now because I can’t forgive the writers (Lorre in particular) for cheating their character and making it personal. It just isn’t the same show anymore, no matter how young and handsome Ashton Kutcher is (without the long hair and beard – don’t know what’s up with that, but it’s not flattering).

Maybe replacing Sheen with another actor wouldn’t have worked either, but at least Charlie Harper would have still had a chance to get things right in his life before the show ended. The lesson here for writers, I believe, is to think long and hard about what you do to your characters. Make sure it fits their character and is fair to who they are. I’ve killed off my characters when I was sick to death of them, but that was only for me because I deleted all that stuff and continued on with the story.

You have to be true to your characters! You’ve set them up to be someone, with flaws and wants and needs, and you can’t thwart that at the end or you risk alienating your readers. I suppose it’s different for television writers, when an actor becomes the embodiment of the creation, but the viewers still fall in love with the characters and expect justice for them in the end.

I don’t like what they did to Charlie Harper, but I had no say in it. Now, for God’s sake Chuck Lorre, don’t you dare kill off Sheldon or Leonerd or Raj or Howard or Penny! Or Amy or Bernadette!

Yes, writing is often a solitary pursuit. It’s creative and, according to one article, requires the kind of high level concentration that a master chess match might demand. Writing also attracts a lot of introverts, as we are people who would rather play with our imaginary friends than have to talk to our real friends sometimes.

That said, if you are writing in hopes of being published (or if you are published), this is also a business. A BUSINESS. And there are certain ways one behaves in public and when conducting business. It’s called manners. You need manners. They don’t have to be my Southern manners, but you should have some knowledge at least of business etiquette and how to behave. That said, I give you my top tips for how to behave:

1. Be nice to EVERYONE. No, not just to those people who you think can do something for you. Everyone. I’ve seen this one a lot, folks, and it isn’t pretty. It’s not nice to exclude people just because you think they can do you no favors. How do you know that person won’t be the bestseller someday? Not only that, but it’s just rude to treat people differently because maybe they aren’t published and you are. Never make the mistake of thinking someone isn’t worth knowing because you can’t perceive they have anything to offer you. They do. Everyone does. Take the time to be nice to everyone, and you may learn something.

2. Don’t boast. This one fries my bacon. Maybe it’s because I’m Southern and I’ve been raised to think boasting about oneself is impolite. Of course I think you should crow to the rooftops about your contest finals and bestseller list placements! Of course you should celebrate and be happy! I do it too, even though I am often uncomfortable saying, “Lookie here, my book is a bestseller!” But that’s a fine achievement and worthy of some snoopy dancing. Heaven knows we get beat up enough in our writing lives not to rejoice a bit when we have the chance. But if you find yourself saying on a daily basis about how fabulous your CPs or editor think you are, or claiming that you are the most innovative thing to come down the pike since Nora Roberts, or constantly needing to one-up your fellow writers with pronouncements about your fabulosity, then you need to step back and remember that nobody likes a braggart. We love to celebrate when someone gets good news, but crow all the time about everything you do and people will start to cringe whenever they see your posts/tweets/blogs, etc. You don’t want that. It’s hard to be happy for someone who so desperately needs attention that he or she can’t shut up about themselves for one damn minute. You might think you’re at the center of a stage, clearly the most important person around, but you are deluded. I’m telling you this to do you a favor. You are not super special. Thinking you are will get you in trouble eventually. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday. Count on it. Remember that a little humility goes a long way.

3. Don’t trash talk about your fellow authors. This one continually amazes me. There’s a difference between a critical review (which I am not comfortable doing as an author, but others are and that’s fine) and trashing someone because you don’t like their book. Never get caught up in this. The internet has a long memory.

4. You should already know this one, but don’t argue with reviewers. Ever. If someone hated your book, even if they said mean things, the only appropriate response is either no response or a thank you if you feel inclined to give one. I usually go with no response.

5. You will get asked to do things. Give an answer one way or the other, but don’t leave anyone hanging. We often want to do everything we are asked to do, but the truth is we can’t. Not if we expect to meet our deadlines and have time with our families. Pick and choose the things you do, and don’t be afraid to say no when you don’t have time. But always, always do it politely.

6. This applies to the published people — now that you are published, don’t make the mistake of thinking you know everything. You probably don’t. The newer you are, the more you have to learn. I’m still learning. I can tell you what I know based on my experience – and I do have strong opinions about some things – but I’m not by any means the oracle on the subject. And I don’t think I am either. There is no single way to do things.

7. Don’t make absolute statements. This kind of goes with making the mistake of thinking you know everything. But telling people things like, “You don’t need an agent for category,” or “You absolutely need an agent for single title,” or “Self-publishing is the only way to go,” or “One should never, ever change POV character mid-scene” is really a bit silly. And arrogant. Who died and made you boss? Everyone’s experience is different. Now, if you want to say, “I decided I needed an agent for single title because I don’t feel capable of negotiating (or want to negotiate) those contracts” or “I personally don’t like to change POV characters mid-scene because I think, for me as a reader and/or writer, it’s jarring,” then that makes perfect sense. That’s your experience.

Okay, this post is getting long enough now, but you can tell I’ve been thinking a lot about this stuff lately. An unpublished writer told me once that an author who had been snotty to her in her RWA chapter didn’t realize that she’d not only lost the writer’s respect, but she’d lost her as a reader. This writer will never, ever pick up that author’s books. Is it worth losing a potential reader (not to mention a potential friend!) just because you think there’s nothing this person can do for you or that they are somehow beneath you? Be nice. It’s all you have in the end.

Any bad behavior you’d like to add? Anything that fries your bacon? Any experience you’d like to relate? Any tips you’d give that I left off?

Here’s the thing, my dear. You are young, in your 20s I think, and so all that tanned skin is quite supple and tight right now. But you just wait. When you hit 35, 40 if you’re lucky, you may start to think differently about surgery. Because tanned skin is damaged skin. The only way the skin can react to UV damage is to brown. As brown as you are, that’s a whole lot of damage to those delicate cells. It’s going to sag, trust me. I’ve seen it in my tanned friends who looked awesome at 20, and then looked like they were over 50 when they were barely 40.

Your skin is going to sag when the collagen fibers stop doing the job of holding it up, and you may be looking at plastic surgery in a whole new light then.

On the other hand, there’s another danger of which you seem either blissfully unaware or you think it won’t or can’t happen to you. Skin cancer. Tanning beds concentrate the UV light, and more and more younger people are presenting with skin cancers these days. You are dark skinned and have dark eyes and dark hair, but that’s not a guarantee, especially the more you subject your skin to intense UV light. It’s not just the tanning beds, of course. Sun exposure does the same thing.

And if you do get skin cancer, guess what? Surgery. If you get the worst kind there is, melanoma, the surgeon will need to take margins. You will probably be knocked out for this surgery, though not always. There are definitely needles involved.

Either way, Snooki dear, I think surgery is in your future. I’m sorry you’re afraid of needles and anesthetic, but I think you need to realize that if you continue the way you’re going, surgery will become a distinct possibility at some point. The damage is already done, considering how brown you are, but I do hope you will think twice about so much tanning. Taking care of your skin now could lessen the impact of the damage. Besides, with your money, can’t you afford a really great spray tan?

The Prince’s Royal Concubine is MY book, due out in March 2010 from Mills & Boon Modern. It will also come out in Harlequin Presents in the months after. Yet Amazon seems to think that my book belongs to Lee Wilkinson. How do these things happen? I wish I knew, but I’m having a heck of a time correcting it.

Want to see for yourself? Here’s the US link and the UK link.

Nothing like slaving over a book and having it attributed to someone else! How would you feel? I know they can’t forever call it someone else’s, like when the cover comes out and they can clearly see it’s mine, but I’m still pretty ticked off about this.

Amazon, give me back my book!

QUICK UPDATE: Thanks for all your words of support! I truly did not expect for folks to email Amazon on my behalf, but I do appreciate it! It seems as if they are in the process of correcting it right now. Hopefully it will be completed soon!

But I still think it happens. And I think the lady who pulled into the handicapped spot at Starbucks the other day was doing just that. She had no sticker, no plate, and no placard.

She sat there for twenty minutes and talked on the phone the entire time. Not only did she talk on the phone, gesticulating and yelling, but she popped her visor down and proceeded to squeeze pimples on her face. No, I am not kidding. Unfortunately, my table was facing that spot, and each time I looked up, there she was, hollering into her phone and picking her face. It was awful.

And what did she do after she’d sat there for twenty minutes while other people had to drive around to find parking? She left and used the drive-thru. Never even came into Starbucks.

People like that give me ideas for characters, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. But I was angry for anyone who legitimately needed that spot while she hogged it (there is only one). And absolutely stunned that someone would sit in full view of a cafe in which they could see people sitting and pick their skin. Hell, I think at one point she pulled out some tweezers and plucked hair. I’m not certain, but I think so. All while talking on her phone. Amazing, huh?

And now for much more pleasant tidings! I’ve employed a scientific method (scrambling names and taking mine from the mix) to arrive at my two winners: Rachael Johns and Patricia!! Please email me at contact @ lynnrayeharris dot com with addresses and your choice of prize.

$10 gift card to bookstore (Amazon, BAM, B&N),
OR
Presents trio, selected by moi from my stash,
OR
My debut book when it comes out, signed, along with two other Presents novels (unfortunately, you will have to wait until mid-July or so, but I’m good with that if you are!)

Congratulations to the winners! Keep checking back, because I plan to have more giveaways, especially as we get closer to my new site launch!

While you’d think it wouldn’t need to be said, here are some things you do NOT want to do:

1. Do NOT stalk editors and/or agents. Planning your time so you can “bump” into someone, and then refusing to go away, is not the correct course of action. Of course you need to be prepared, because there will be those elevator meetings sometimes, but don’t haunt the restroom door in the hopes of running into someone. Or the buffet line.

2. Do NOT misspell names on your query. Names are kind of unforgivable since you should be able to check and double check the correct spelling — especially if you’ve gotten a business card from the individual. I once got a letter from a utility company that referred to me as Mrs. Barris. Jarring. And if you want to compare yourself to another author, use caution — don’t say J.R. Rawling when you mean J.K. Rowling.

(Seriously, this should be obvious, but you’d be surprised.)

3. Do NOT take as gospel every word said by the woman sitting next to you at your RWA chapter meeting — even if she does seem to know a lot. If you’re a PRO member, download those PRO booklets and read, read, read. Then ask questions of published authors (or experienced PROs) you TRUST to give you good advice. Check and double check, because if someone tells you to stand outside the restroom door or linger in the buffet line looking for a publishing professional, it’s probably not the best advice.

(I did once listen to something someone told me when I was very green, even though my gut told me otherwise. The result was a rejection, of course. This was a long time ago, and believe me I learned.)

4. Do NOT send the same query for the same book to the same agent who just rejected it. Rework the query or submit somewhere else. Wish I could find the link, but I read a post last week about someone who kept submitting a query for an adult novel (not that kind of adult!) to a children’s book agent. She finally got frustrated and wrote back telling him to stop because she didn’t represent that type of book, which she had politely tried to tell him over the last several months. His reply? That she was an agent and therefore he would keep querying her because it was his job to query agents about his book. Talk about clueless! And, oh yeah, agents know each other. You can bet his name is now making a viral loop through Agentland as we speak. And not in a positive way.

5. Do NOT think you know it all. I’ve met these people and it’s frustrating as heck. I know I don’t know everything, but I’m pretty sure this stuff I just said is true. But you be sure and double check it before listening to me, you hear?

What kind of crazy advice have you ever gotten? Good advice? What sort of horrible hi-jinks have you seen at conferences? We’ve all heard the manuscript under the door story, but have you ever seen its equivalent? Thankfully, I haven’t, but I know at least one person who I think would do it. Sadly, some people don’t listen.

2. Why? Because I don’t KNOW what happens yet, darn it!

3. Wrote a synopsis for new book. Hate it. Book will not even remotely resemble synopsis. I know this from two books written for an editor now. Thankfully, she didn’t freak out either time.

4. Writing a synopsis, even when I won’t follow it, crushes down on my enthusiasm for the story like Dorothy’s house on the wicked witch.

5. Must get over this and write story anyway.

6. Proposal nearly done, in spite of traumatic encounter with evil synopsisaurus.

Got any tricks for the synopsis? Any tricks for tricking yourself while writing it? Do you follow it once you’ve slaved over it? I used to try, but that only made things worse, so now I figure it’s kind of like Captain Barbossa and the pirate code — guidelines to be followed when convenient or expedient. Or to be tossed aside when something better comes along.

The Big Misunderstanding

Characters are kept apart by something that could be resolved with a conversation. Kept apart for a brief while over such a thing isn’t unbelievable — not all of us suddenly jump up and demand to know the truth. We might labor under a delusion for a little while because we’re still trying to figure it out in our heads and making sure we aren’t jumping to the wrong conclusions.

But a misunderstanding that goes on for an entire book? Something that could have been solved with a conversation instead of the pages and pages of angsting over the past? I was seriously surprised at this book.

And I wonder if maybe I just didn’t get it, if the fault is with me as a reader because the Big M didn’t work for me or I wasn’t able to see how deeply this misunderstanding would affect the characters’ ability to discuss the truth. I’m just not sure.

I must say, however, that I’ve read other books by this author that were just fab, so I’m not put off entirely. I was just a little disappointed in this one.

I’m pretty positive I’m going to write things that don’t resonate with all readers. Of course that bothers me because I am a perfectionist. Realistically, I know there will be those who dislike my work. I don’t look forward to that, but I know it’s going to happen.

What do you do when a book fails to meet expectations? Do you write the author off? Do you give him or her another try? What plots drive you crazy?

Do people really not care if their cars get dinged with these runaway carts? Or do they feel that since they are leaving, their car isn’t in danger? Of course there are legitimate excuses not to take the cart back — sometimes a person is sick or hurt and just wants to get in the car and go. It happens — but not to every blessed person at the store on the same day!

I always walk the cart to where it’s supposed to be. I even walk carts into the store when I get out of my car and there’s a stray cart perilously close by. I still have a huge dent in my door where some lovely person in Hawaii shoved a car door or a cart into it and then skedaddled. It’s just a dent, not missing paint or anything, so I still haven’t had it fixed (2 years later). But I think about it every time I see stray carts all over the parking lot. Irritates me.

So, it’s the holiday season and I’m ranting. But in this season of giving and goodwill toward others, why are people so rude about shopping carts? Why can’t they return it? For most of us, there is no excuse.

What bugs you about shopping this time of year? Is the rampant outbreak of homeless carts merely an Alabama phenomenon, or is it happening in your corner of the world too?